Bucket with a Hole in it

You must have seen them: 100 Things to Do Before you Die, 100 Places You Must Go Before Passing, 100 Foods to Tickle your Innards and 100 Movies Before You Croak. These lists are everywhere.

But do they ever check your age? No, these are lists for a long lifetime and my lifetime is largely spent and even worse, mostly in Baltimore, Oakland and other such places. I do not have that many years left. If I tried half the hundred things the to-do guy wants, I would be way past dead. In truth, I probably have only a dozen or so neat to-do things left in me. And I do not want to go anyplace without good toilets, showers and hot breakfasts with coffee.

But some of those strange places are calling to me right now, Tahiti, Taiwan, and Toledo. And some new exotic foods would be great for a younger stomach.

What to do?

Solution. I wrote an iphone app to help. Bucket with a Hole. It not only has a checklist for the things to do in this life, but has one for your next life too. You no longer can eat hot food--slide those chiles with your finger across the screen to the next you, the one you will be when you get reborn. Ditto for jumping off some bridge with a big rubber band wrapped around your ankles.

You can make your full bucket plus list right now.

Remember how it took fifty years or so to figure out which end was up in this life. In the next life, just check your list. You will have a whole lifetime to work through it. What could be easier?

And as a bonus, we throw in a third life list for free. Some stuff like going to another planet may have to wait a long time. We plan on keeping our company going forever. That is why we ask a little more for it than Skype, email or some of those other throw away apps.

Now you ask, how do I figure out who I was when I get to my next life. This is where we got the patent, so hang on. After years of research we found that people name their dog the same in life after life. That is why I met Rex the dog in Mexico and Fifi in China. Their owners are born again Americans. You just check your dog 's name on our site and it hands you your old life's bucket-plus list. Of course we recommend that you name your dog with something that maybe has a few caps and special characters in it, just to keep things straight.

So get listing. Your next life is awaiting.

Big Big Man

OK, I lost all my friends talking about dogs. Now I will lose the rest. It is time to talk religion.

I used to be medium sized when I was seven or eight and prayed to be tall. I made no crazy promises like I would crawl on my knees to Rome if it happened, but I went to church a lot.

Then I grew. But God is tricky. He made me not just tall, but taller than anyone I knew, He made me taller than the doors in my house. He stuck my head in the firesprinklers in the ceiling and got me stitches in my head. He bumped my head on trees. He probably laughed a lot.

I prayed to shrink a little. Just enough to fit in my bed. No dice. No moneyback returns on prayers.

Religion is something you have to be careful with. God picks and chooses and sometimes seems to just be fooling around. So pray. But not too much. Remember that.

Dogging It

When I was young, kids had dogs and adults had kids. That was it. 
Now adults have dogs and kids are way too busy for a dog.

Back then, kids had big dogs to protect them (the parents said) and to keep them busy when they were out prowling around together. Moms liked kids to go out and play (and get out of their hair). Dogs knew how to play.

Now dogs have shrunk. They could not protect themselves from a flea. And they do not play, they go berserk. (At least the chihuahuas and their little poofy dog buddies do.)

•  There were no dog clothes (OK, my sister used doll clothes on one once).
•  There were no little poofy dogs--this breed seems to result from twenty-somethings living in apartments alone or at least without kids).
•  There were massive dog lickings (on kids faces) but no smoochie dog kisses from adults.
•  There were table scraps and dogs survived, not fancy brands that cost more than steak.
•  There were food drives for the poor kids, not for orphaned dogs
•  Dogs were animals. And they just died when they got old. No one knew why. The vet had antibiotics, maybe for a dogfight wound and that was about it. No surgery, just doggie bye byes when they got old age sick.

I am having trouble adapting to this new dog world where dogs soon will get the right to vote. So I must change, or they might cut my Social Security and give it out in dog chow stamps. 

Welcome woofers big and mostly small. Let’s be friends.