Give me that new time religion

I have religion. A new one. Those Pastafarians think they are hot stuff, but I have something better. 

My chapter 1, verse 1: “Heaven is what you make it,” My oversized coffin will be stuffed with a donut maker, a good set of wrenches and classic a Moto Guzzi, and an espresso machine, one of the big Italian jobs.

Coins over the eyes were good for the old religions to get you across, but I raised my sights. Chuck’s heaven will last through all eternity with endless donuts, infinite caffeine and never-ending back country roads cutting through the clouds. Best of all, who needs a helmet or insurance when they're already dead. Whoopee.

This religion will have wondrous effects:

• People will have something to look forward to. Current religion is watered down or full of hellfire and brimstone. No one, except psychopaths and, at the risk of being redundant, the Trumps believe that they will make it through the pearly gates. Everyone worries and hangs on to this life even if the world is in tatters. My new religion will ease the passing. And make the next world something you deserve. Or at least want.
• People will buy a shitload of stuff they want to take with them. This will help the economy.
• Archeologists will have a heyday in a thousand years digging tombs full of Beyoncé albums, Rumbas, iPhones, smart massage chairs, and God-knows what all.

But this religion needs two things:

•  A name. Something catchy. Help me with suggestions.
•  A millennial Saint Paul or maybe a Joel Osteen with their fancy private jets for getting the masses tuned in.

Help. Give me ideas for a name. And let me know if you want to be a big booster. If nothing else, then set up a go fund me to get us off the ground.

Elections are coming, elections are coming

Damn election season, 16 more months. Everyone feels this way. Too much (time, focus-group marketing, whackos) and too little (intelligence, discussion, analysis, common sense). What to do?

I say set the election date using the daily lotto draw, the Pick-3. Forget the current 2 year and  4 year cycles. Every time triple zero comes up on the daily Pick-3 spin, the USA votes (that works out to an election every three years, more or less).

Now here's the good part: after the triple zero shows in the draw, candidates only get ten days of campaigning and then boom—a paid voting day holiday on day eleven.

The campaign season is short, officials never know when the upcoming election will be so they have to be working all the time, and if you vote for the guy who wins, you get a free lotto pick the next day. (That part is optional.)

What a plan.