Going WACKO

I studied electronics a while back. When they used tubes that looked like light bulbs from outer space and glowed purple and green in the dark. It was neat. That’s when I learned about making things go WACKO. I did that a lot and burned out all mom’s radios and tvs. It was fun.

Here is how going WACKO works:
(1) Process a signal in a black box. That’s electronics talk and it just means putting something somewhere, doing something to it, and then spitting it out—sort of like putting cats(the input) in a basket (the black box) and shaking them and then getting out mad pussycats(the output).
(2) Then you put part of the output back into the black box (that’s called positive feedback) and—WACKO—the black box goes crazy: like taking a mad output cat (feedback) and throwing him back in; then watching all the cats get madder and madder until they rip up the basket.

Sort of like what happened in my old radios.

With my electronic stuff, before it blew up, I would get a loud rrrmmmMMMMRRR noise when it went WACKO, like in the school auditorium when the principal got his mike (the input) too close to the speakerbox (the output) or now when I get my hearing aid upside down. The sound goes WACKO.

So Rule 1 is: if you take too much output and stick it into the input, then everything goes WACKO

Sounds like it could be fun, but in lots of cases it is bad.

Black boxes are all over the world. Banks are a good example--a bunch of people worry about their money and go in the bank and they take their money. Then some of them tell others that the bank didn’t have much money (positive feedback) and then more people get scared and go in and take even more money out and then WACKO—all the people are crazy to get their money. Its like the mad pussycats scratching out the tellers’ eyes until they get their money and making all the cats standing in line get really upset.

But this can’t go on forever. Like the school principal who pulls the plug on the mike to shut up the sound, the bank pulls the plug and locks the door. The tellers are safe.

But (this is important) in electronics I learned that all you need to do is turn the output upside down and then no more WACKO. In electronics talk that’s negative feedback. Lets look back at the cats to understand it better. If you take part of the mad cat output and reverse it 180 degrees (that means, maybe, in this case, give an output cat lots of tranquilizers) then throw him back in the basket, it calms things down.

OK, maybe basket cats are not the best example but they sort of illustrate Rule 2: if you take the output, turn it upside down and stick it into the input, then everything calms down.

You do this in electronics to make the output sound even better and calm down the circuits. But lets look back at the banks: how do we turn the people upside down when they come out the bank. Here’s how: We tell them if they leave their money in the bank they will get a whole lot more interest than they planned for. Then a bunch of them leave their money in and tell people in line that they are getting rich putting money in the bank. That’s how you flip the output.

OK, there is a problem. The bank only has a little greenback money and the rest is in crazy stocks and ponzi schemes. So our real problem is how to make more money when the bank safe is empty.

(We could use the government to do that. But it scares the bejesus out of everyone and they run even faster to the bank.)

Here’s my plan. Don’t give just regular interest. Throw in some big payback items when people ask for their money. When I was a kid the bank gave out a set of dishes when you put more money in. That won’t work now because everybody already has dishes. My plan is use churches to print up some holy money and give that out. Churches have a special bargain for the next world already. Let’s get the Pope and Rev Ike and anyone else with a fancy robe and a printer to sign on to the bank’s team (Maybe for ten percent of BofA).

When the banks run out of greenback money, then they can give out something easy to print up with lots of value. Lets call them Heaven Bucks—the kind you CAN take with you. To buy all sorts of heaven stuff: better wings and bigger harps. Or maybe it can buy you a one way ticket from hell. OK, this heaven stuff doesn’t work for everyone. If you believe in reincarnation you can get Karma Coupons that bump you up like frequent flier miles. No next life as a cockroach. There are all sorts of schemes. And remember the churches tried it before and it worked fine until Mr. Luther messed everything up. They had the big fire sale on indulgences (sort of like holy get-out-of-jail-frees in Monopoly) in the 1600’s. Right now they have holy water coupons you can buy from preachers on TV if you stay up late and watch weird channels. Holy bucks are a marketing paradise.

So we just balance the bank money in and out with holy bucks. No more WACKO in banks. We print all we want. It has lots of value (if you believe in it). It’s great stuff, just like real money.