Leaders

It’s time for picking our new leader. We hear speeches and name-calling. Just to see who gets to the big leader-decider for the next four years.

Then Mr. New-Leader decides to spend all our money on things we don’t need, fight people we don’t know, give big guns to big thugs, and, most of all, pay rich guys for being rich. Would any of us decide these things?

We need to elect a NOT-Leader who doesn’t decide anything. He just does important stuff like the national trash collection and garden cleanup. And teaching our kids and keeping guns away from whacko’s and robbers and teenagers. Things we tell him to do. Yes, we want a Do-As-You’re-Told kind of guy. We don’t want this guy making up stuff to do just to keep busy like the guy we have now. The new guy can sleep all day--I don’t care, as long as he doesn’t do anything too terrible.

How come we need a leader anyway? I know. Deep in our deepest hearts we still want a king to tell us what to do. You’d think we would be over that by now. But we want a King, walking around with his fancy red coat and crown and a bunch of princesses. Why do we want him? It’s brainwashing! Do kids’ stories have a congress? No, but kings show up everywhere. The biggest things are king-sized. The baddest fish are King Salmon. Mr. King Kong always got the prettiest girls. Burger King gives you paper crowns if you’re good. The King of the jungle runs things, not the shift-manager lion down at the oasis. Boy, are we brainwashed.

And we do have a king right now. Maybe not for life but it feels that way while he does what he wants with my money and country. Let’s be honest and apply the duck test to our president: If he walks like a duck and talks like a duck then guess what he is. Let’s call his home the White Castle and bow to Queens Laura and Condi.

What’s the alternative to kings? I know Congress is messy. Kings chop off your head with a big, pretty swing, but senators argue until you drop dead of old age. It’s like those business meetings that go on and on until you schedule another meeting. But you don’t do bad things at those meetings. You just don’t do much. And not doing much is a pretty good idea when you have lots of bombs and blank checks waiting in your desk.

The kings-to-be ask us who will answer the red phone at 3AM., who gets to decide something terrible before breakfast. I know the truth--they don’t decide at 3AM. They already know what they want to do; they just wait for some a reason to do it. And they think those things they do are best done in the dark.

Since we are stuck with these leader guys, how can we keep them under control? Congress is supposed to cut off king-money to keep them in line. And they cannot attack until Congress declares war. But the decider-king just keeps spending and fighting. No matter what.

I have a plan. We need a king-sized global trading system to swap leaders every six months. Twice a year, the UN has a big party and all the leaders come and eat too much at a very fancy dinner. Then after a couple deserts, everyone pops open a fortune cookie with their new assignment: “You were made for Poland, start packing.” “Hah, you got Burma, good luck,” “Woo, woo, woo, you got the U.S. –don’t forget to cash in all your Euros.” Like musical chairs, but this time with enough seats for all, everyone moves and takes their staff. OK, we will get some good leaders and some bad. Just like now, but they change quicker and they don't get too attached to one place.

But best of all, if you were a big-shot leader, would you start pounding on another country if you might be its leader in two days? Leaders watch out for themselves, not us. We can trust them on that, and on stealing a little. Luckily it takes a while to figure out how to do something real bad in a new place and by then they will be off somewhere else.

OK it’s not a great plan, but we need to do something to spread out their power. That’s what Adams and Madison and the gang tried to do when they made the constitution here the USA. Spread out the power, so nobody has too much. Give a little to Congress, the judges, governors, city councils, a little to the steel and power companies, a little to the Girl Scouts and a bunch to the Red Cross; give a little power to everyone.

Let everybody be a leader.